For as long as I can remember, I’ve lived as a performer, constantly on stage singing, acting, or dancing. You’d think that with all this experience I would be used to it by now, but it’s quite the opposite.

Dance has always been important to my family. My grandma did dance, and so did my mother and aunt, and soon my sister and cousins were doing dance too. It was natural for me to follow in their footsteps.The second I could walk freely on my own, I was put into dance lessons.

I was involved in competition dance and competed my first solo when I was three years old and continued with it for nine years. I performed hundreds of times in those years, but no matter how much I performed or how much I practiced, I would always get nervous before going on stage. When I was little, my mom would have to bribe me to walk out there. I always thought it was just a phase and I would grow out of it as I got older.

Once I got to junior high, I had to quit dancing and decided to try singing. I was in the North Ogden Jr. High Knightangles Choir. I wasn’t scared at all when I sang with the choir, I thought I had finally grown out of my stage fright. Then in 9th grade, I was given a solo in one of the concerts.

I wasn’t scared at first. In fact, I was quite confident and excited that I was given the solo. I practiced at home and in front of my friends but the second I had to sing in front of the class, I froze. Suddenly, my legs and hands were shaking and the world started spinning.The music was playing but it was way faster than normal, and all the words that were so easy to remember, completely left my brain.

Finally, I opened my mouth but the voice that came out wasn’t mine. I was standing there singing but it wasn’t me, at least it didn’t feel like me. I felt like I was floating above my body watching someone else control it. I knew I had stage fright, but I had no idea it was this bad.

I begged my teacher to make my solo a duet with my friend so I wouldn’t be out there alone. Luckily he agreed because he wanted me to sing, but even though I wasn’t alone anymore, I was still terrified. 

I started doing musical theatre when I was in the 8th grade and have been doing it ever since. I never get scared on the stage because I’m never alone, there is always someone singing and dancing with me. Last year, I auditioned to be in the Productions Company here at Weber High. I wasn’t very scared because it was a video audition, so I didn’t have to see anyone. I was overjoyed when the Productions list came out and I saw my name!

The Productions Company had a meeting at the end of the school year to discuss auditions and expectations for the next year. We were told that we had to prepare either one song of 32 measures or two songs of 16 measures each. I chose to do 32 measures of Requiem from Dear Evan Hansen. I had all summer to prepare this audition piece so I was pretty confident, plus I already knew Mr. Daniels and Mrs. Poll so I wouldn’t be as scared.

I practiced everyday during the summer because I wanted to make sure that if I froze during my audition, my muscle memory would take over and the audition would still go well. Finally, the week of auditions came and that’s when everything went wrong.

I thought that the auditions were going to be held in private with just the directors and the auditionee in the room, but no, we had to audition in front of the whole class! I started to freak out, I wasn’t prepared to audition in front of the whole class, I barely felt comfortable auditioning in front of three people. 

I sat in the class dreading my time, I listened to them call name after name, until it was finally my turn. I stood up and walked slowly and shakingly to the piano. After handing in my music, I turned to the class and waited for the good to go from my directors. 

“Hi, I’m McKaylee Gorostieta and I will be singing Requiem from Dear Even Hansen,” I said. 

The piano started, my heart was pounding and my mind was racing. My legs were wobbling and my breath was shaky. I started to bounce my knee to get the tempo and when I opened my mouth to sing nothing came out. The piano stopped. 

“Sorry, can we try that again?” I said nervously.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath trying to calm my nerves and then I was out of my body again. I could hear myself singing but everything was black, I couldn’t see or feel anything, all I could do was listen. It was like a fever dream, I knew it was real and I knew what I was feeling but I couldn’t actually feel it. 

Then the high note came and I was sucked back into reality. Everything was bright and butterflies filled my stomach. I missed the high note.. Keep singing, it doesn’t matter, finish the song. KEEP SINGING!

Somehow I was able to keep singing and finish the song. I was so embarrassed and wanted to just walk back to my seat and cry, but I was also proud of myself because I was able to control my nerves when I messed up and kept going.

I’m not over my stage fright yet but I am getting better. The more I practice and experience my stage fright the better I get. I don’t think I will be cured by the end of the year or even in the next three years but I know that one day I will be able to go out on stage with little to no fear.